Highway to the torture zone

So Fonzie has posted about this before. But i thought I'd give my 2 cents. Last night after a Hoboken sushi jaunt, Miss Alex and I were hanging around her crib chillin', the neighbor's torture light was on. Out of the blue we hear a scream. We figure they must be really wailing on the kid tonight. We pop our heads out the window to investigate. Alex starts singin' "Highway to to the torture zone", putting Kenny Loggins to shame.




Now maybe you had to be there, but it cracked our shit up something fierce. So I figure each day of the week is a different kind of torture.

Monday - Rack night. They put the poor kid on a rack and stretch him until his shoulders and hips become dislocated. The real fun comes when they pop his joints back into their sockets. They give him a leather strap to bite on. If he screams, that's an extra flogging.




Tuesday - Paper cut and rubbing alcohol night. They take some primo card stock and use it to give the kid paper cuts on his eyelids and the skin between his fingers and toes. Then they swab the cuts in copious amounts of rubbing alcohol. If they are feeling particularly vicious they use salt.



Wednesday - Waterboarding night. This one is self explanatory.



Thursday - Human pinata night. This one of the only days of the week the kid gets to eat. He gets fed a good meal and then they beat him until he pukes it back up. If they are feeling REALLY mean they make him eat the puke.




Friday - Broken glass bath night. Among the chamber of horrors in the attic is an old bath tub full of broken glass. On Fridays they force the poor kid to lie in it for an hour. They don't allow him to sit still for more than 5 mins at a time insuring that he is constantly getting cut.



Saturday - Lit cigarettes on the soles of the feet night. This one is self explanatory to. Bare feet. Lit cigarette. Ouch. Now Sat is generally a day of staying out late and having some fun. It's been a long week and everyone has some steam to blow off so the second half of the evening is a grab bag anything goes. A simple slap? No problem. A knife under the fingernails? Knock yourself out.




Sunday - Intestinal Russian Roulette night. The boy is asked to choose 1 out of a possible 5 meals. 4 of these have a non fatal dose of e coli. If he happens to choose the 1 meal that doesn't have the bacteria he is beaten with a brick until unconscious.



There you have it people. He needs our help. Up next? Plotting a daring rescue.